my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize