I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
