Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
