Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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