Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
