I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
