About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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