I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
last night I used snow as a chaser
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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