xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Vodka?
Forever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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