I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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