i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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