My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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