Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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