Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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