he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
