You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
