fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
