i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
as a side note pls kill me
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