I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
