$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
