From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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