i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
