Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
