update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
