Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
honey bunches of taint.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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