just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
