I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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