I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
