apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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