A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
