anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
