I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
