hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
