I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
