I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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