I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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