I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
