There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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