Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
