He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
