I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Panties = found
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
