there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
