I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
