you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
