I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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