when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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