Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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