I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
