I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
