my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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