You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
