My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
