My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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