My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
