you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
