i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
