fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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