Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
